Thursday, 25 July 2013

There Is Always Calm.

In my journey to find out more about myself, I found art.

I have always had a close relationship with music, but art came alot later. I loved the process of creating art so much that I went to study it at university. It went downhill from there.

Art started becoming something I had to ‘study’ and ‘analyse’…it became boring; studying art was like trying to hold a wriggling shape made of sand particles in my hands.

In a word, I found studying and analysing art: Tricky. I didn’t enjoy the processes, the discussions ('what’s arty and what’s not arty' usually said in a hoyti-toyti, we’re too cool for school sort of voice), the contrasting mess of having ‘freedom to let the art exist’ whilst ‘creating the boundaries’ that are the ‘right’ boundaries to create a good piece of art…. Blah blah blah…

I ended up questioning not just art but myself and my processes, and not in a good way. I was really bummed on myself and what I was creating and, because I was so emotionally linked to what I was creating, I ended up feeling like I was a really crap person.

Now, don’t get me wrong because, in retrospect, I realise I learnt so much from studying art at university, notably: what I don’t want art to be for me and what I don’t like doing (drawing ‘real’ things and people, although this may be changing: watch this space :)).

After university, I pretty much bumbled around for a couple of years; trying to re find my soul whilst not creating any music or art at all (I was scared and scarred, seriously!). The only creative thing I could tolerate was cooking.

Then, at about the time kind relatives and friends had given up asking me if I’d ‘written any music’ or ‘done any painting’ etc. etc., I found a little tiny tiny weeny ray of light, a little beacon of hope; I realised I wasn’t happy. I realised I wanted to be happy again, I wanted, No I needed, the therapeutic relationship with art that I had had before. I decided that, even if I was around people making art that would be enough, that would be a starting point.

A lady I was childminding for had an art business and I popped the question: if she had a job vacancy (any job vacancy) I would be interested in doing whatever she needed, if only to work around art, artists and paint again.

She said ‘yes’ :D

So, here I am working with the wonderful Tamara Laporte at Willowing Arts, within a lovely Art Community, in an art studio, loving my job, loving art again, starting to create again …yes it really is a wonderful ending :)

I am just beginning to delve again into what I like and what I like to create. I am beginning to find my 'happy place'; a happy place full of acceptance, paint on my hands, paint on my clothes and exploring how it feels.

Because when I create I am in my bliss; I am me, I am enough, i am free and I am happy :)