Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Breathe Deeply - You're Ok

I was recently discussing with the husband the topic of 'getting it wrong'. We were talking about my phases of paralysing fear of 'getting it wrong'. These phases stop me creating (which is a tad annoying). Call it self sabotage or just blind panic, I basically go into a mishmash cycle of self-doubt/fear of getting it wrong/art paralysis.

I fall into this cycle when I'm scared and thinking of the 'bigger picture' or the end goal. Rather than enjoying walking up the mountain (the process), I start looking at the top (the end product) and wondering how I'll ever get there, how far away it is, how crap I am that I'm not there yet, and how many people are already at the top before me laughing at little me not able to manage it etc etc....

I then look down at my feet and realise I have, in fact, stopped walking (creating art) altogether.

Now, if you want to get up a mountain you do have to at least walk (unless you can teleport or you are a winged unicorn/butterfly/angel/insert winged creature here). So, to get closer to the top of said mountain I need to at least put one foot in front of the other, ie to create the elusive 'Art I Like' I need be practicing my craft and making stuff.

current work in progress
Me and the husband, at these points of paralysis, cheer me on with kindness. Kindness has power. Seriously. Kindness really has power. Just saying to myself 'it's ok sweet cheeks, you are awesome, be gentle with yourself, baby steps, you can do it...' creates in me a gentler, less stressed self of soft compliance, and then I feel happy to create art again and take baby steps.

'Baby steps, it's ok, you can do it, just take little steps' ...until you're walking again towards the mountain top.

I dream of bypassing these moments of frozen panic, but this would probably take:

a) years of therapy
b) a change of my history
c) a lobotomy
d) a life time of mindful practice.

For now, when in these moments of frozen panic, Kindness to myself helps and I try to: 
  • Give myself Kind Words and Kind Thoughts, I am still a wonderful being.
  • Do something, anything that will move me towards the top of my mountain (baby steps little one, baby steps).
  • Realise I am not perfect, the steps I take may not be perfect, and That. Is. Ok! :) 

Be kind and make any movement towards the end goal. I'm not perfect and my steps along the way won't all be perfect, but they will take me closer to where I want to be. Standing still in fear will not.

I want to add a little something here about a lady called Leonie Dawson (you may have heard of her, if you haven't please check her out cause she's awesome). During one of my frozen moments I watched one of her videos (click here to see Leonie's video). It really helped me re-feel hopeful and passionate about my creations and stopped me 'falling off the creative wagon' for too long. Thank you Leonie, you are proper awesome! :)

I'm off to go create now... baby steps, baby steps. Thank you for listening and being here with me.

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Me and the husband :)

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