Friday, 29 September 2017

The Beauty in Feeling Not Good Enough

Feeling not good enough is something that comes up for me often.


It's like a little friend that comes and sits with me when I'm feeling low. The sort of friend that wants to be there for you when you just want to be alone. My 'feeling not good enough buddy' doesn't want to take away from others what they have. I am SO happy seeing other people with stuff and being happy, that TOTALLY floats my boat. BUT, there are things I see that I WANT TOO (insert toddler stamping feet here) and, in these moments, I'm comparing myself to 'them that have these things'.


I understand in my head that this is not at all helpful for me, but I just can't help it.


It's like my eyes are drawn to the car crash of what I don't have, moving my attention away from what I do have. It makes me sad.
 

I am blessed and lucky to have all I have. I have so many things to be grateful for. So WHY does this 'Feeling Not Good Enough Buddy' come and visit so often, and maaaaaaan he stays for SO LONG!?

I would like this 'Feeling Not Good Enough Buddy' (F.O.G.E.E. for short) to be on my side, to be acting in my best interest, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he's not.


So I wrote him a letter:

Dear Fogee,
Thank you for helping me to see that there are things I want by noticing them in others. When you show me beautiful artists and their work, I know you are saying 'here look at this, I would like this, please work towards this', but I feel inadequate because I'm not up there on that 'Perfect Artist' pedestal and when I notice I'm not it takes me away from the happy place down here that I'm in. So, with that in mind, please can you visit for a cup of tea, let me know what it is you would like, and then move on and NOT stay over and make a tent in my garden that you live in permanently.

Many Thanks!
Gracie :)

I think the thing is, really he's a part of me that wants the best for me right?! So really he's a blessing...? Something in me to just 'notice' and not dwell on ...just 'gently notice' and move on :)

So here I am trying to see The Beauty in Feeling Not Good Enough. 


Trying to see it as a blessing. As a signpost that points the way and says to me 'Over Here is Quite Nice', but you can go whichever way you want and whatever speed you choose because underneath all that deep wanting you are a beautiful person that deserves acceptance for who you are Right Now in this moment.


I find acceptance amusing. How is it I can accept so much from others but when it comes to me I fall short. Really I guess that's what this blog post is about: Acceptance of myself how I am Right Now in this moment. Not in the future, not in the past, but right now.

And that's what I find tricky. It's easy for me to ponder on the future and on the past, those take me into my brain, into my thoughts. To be right here in this moment is tricky, it means I need to STOP and FEEL. Check in with myself. Not calculate some thinking thought process.

'Thinking Thought Processes' are 'safe', I can calculate them, work them out, control them. Feelings (in the now) are more obscure, less obvious, more scary (sometimes). Maybe really that's what this post is about. Acceptance.

How can I accept myself fully without accepting the parts of me I don't enjoy? The shadow parts, the Mr Fogee parts. I can't just hide those bits away and pretend to myself I'm accepting ALL OF ME.

I guess what I'm getting at here is, to make sure Mr Fogee stays for just a cuppa and doesn't set up camp in my garden, I need to welcome him in, sit with him for a bit. Accept him. Because he's only trying to help. He has, at the core of him, the need to protect me and get me things that would benefit me and, for that, I thank him :)

...So, Mr Fogee, will it be a Lap Sang or Earl Grey tea today?



Ramblings


I've been spending alot of time in the woods recently. Peaceful green caves and tunnels = Bliss.

I feel so happy under trees. It's really not an 'I want to hug a tree' hippy thing (although I have been known to hug a tree), there is something very therapeutic for me about being in a wood, the cool dampness invigorates me physically. Did you know that 'Forest bathing is the practice of taking a short, leisurely visit to a forest for health benefits. The practice originated in Japan where it is called shinrin-yoku in Japanese. Studies in Japan have measured changes in immune markers and stress hormones in people who regularly walked in specific forests in Japan. In addition, people with diabetes but not taking insulin found substantial benefits by lowering blood glucose levels' (quote from Wikipedia btw). Go hug a tree!

My Vegan Journey

I still eat cheese. Can't help it. And butter ...and occasionally ice cream. There I said it! Ha! Apart from that, I'm vegan... IT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS! :) Seriously though, since I gave up meat I feel so much better. I gave up meat for health reasons - it makes my migraines worse when I eat meat - I dont' know why but, tried and tested, it does. Plus when I was pregnant with Summer the thought of meat made me sick.

...also hummus and tomato sandwiches are AMAZING.

Reading

Life's Companion by Christina Baldwin. I LOVE journalling. Imagine a friend you can tell anything to and completely trust that they won't judge you or share your secrets, a friend that is always available and ready to let you share your thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, fears. That's what journaling is for me. This book talks about and journeys with this awesome journaller
Christina Baldwin and everytime I open it it's like greeting a friend. 

From the Inside Flap: In "Life's Companion, Christina Baldwin points out that writing is a means of expanding our inner horizons, of relating more meaningfully to the world we live in and to other travelers on the spiritual path. Baldwin, a leader of the renaissance of personal writing, has taught personally more than 30,000 people the joys of journaling".

'...her clear calm vision for writing as spiritual practice emanates from every page' - Kathleen Adams (author of 'Journal to the Self'.


Listening To



Watching

Recently finished watching Bitten season 2. Loved it, it's awesome. Can't wait for the next season to be released on netflix. If you enjoy vampires, werewolves, shadow hunters, supernatural, you'll love this.



Journalling

Water is coming up alot. Mostly probably because I live next to the sea :) I liken water to the unconcious mind and to intuition. These three things (unconcious, water, intuition) are fluid in nature, strong and flowing with the opportunity to travel deep underneath.
Houses also coming up for me alot in my journal. Houses, for me, represent my life and myself with many rooms and winding corridors ...there's the strong possibily to get lost.

I wanted to work on animal personalities and attributes. So I did a series of journal pages each using a animal that expressed to me what I wanted/needed/was expressing in the page. Apart from the Peacock which was seen on a beautiful day out at Herstmonceux Castle with my husband and daughter, little Summer. On that day it's almost as if the Peacock wanted to be in my journal :)





Poetry

'Badger'

As the dusk of a still
And a silent eve,
Descends to the arms
Of the waiting night.

A rustle does sound
Through the lying leaves,
And the brittle twigs
Of the dying wood.

The cautious eyes
And a wary stare,
Emerge from the dark
Of the hidden sett.

As the badger roams
In the quest for food,
Through the bones
Of the tracks he wore.

Andrew Blakemore



Do you have a Mr Fogee? Do you notice him staying a little longer than he needs to? Making camp in your life?

From My World To Yours <3


No comments:

Post a Comment